How to Count Calories

With Coachella just around the corner, it seemed only fitting that I discuss your diet leading up to this glorious day. Many of us already know the foods to stay away from but not many people are aware that there are certain exemptions to what foods you’re not allowed to eat. Many people do not realize that certain rules make it so the food you are eating does not contain calories!

For those of you who did not know this, below I have listed the situations in which the calories in the food you are eating do not count.

If the food is free

Free food simply cannot be turned down. You are saving money by eating it and doing yourself a favor. So next time someone brings a box of Sprinkles cupcakes to your office for someone’s birthday, have at it. Eat the whole box if you feel like it because the calories don’t count. Yay!

If you are drunk.

Everyone knows that once intoxicated, it is completely acceptable to eat whatever you feel like. In fact, it makes your drunkenness even more enjoyable.

If it’s after two in the morning.

Late night snacks are completely exempt from weight gain. Imagine your leaving your favorite club after dancing the night away. Busting out all those killer moves can really work up an appetite and you need to replenish. So go for it! It doesn’t have calories anyway.

I hope these tips guide you to your weight loss goals to have you looking like a goddess just in time for Coachella. Good luck! 

How to be Paranoid

Living your life in your girly girl fashion may have its perks, but sometimes you may feel that people hate you for it. You start to get the feeling that people are “after you” and are anticipating your demise. Now sometimes this may be true, but there are other times when you have concocted a scenario in your head. Before you know it, you’ve worked yourself up into a tizzy without anything actually happening to you. This my friend, is what I call paranoia.

There have been several times when I have feared for my life! At this point, my friends have to remind me that my life was never in any actual danger. This happened to me most recently on a trip I just took to Mexico.

It all started with a simple order of shrimp fajitas.

A pleasant dining experience quickly escalated into troubled territory when they brought me steak fajitas instead! The waiters in Mexico frown upon the wasting of food and wanted me to take the steak ones instead! This was preposterous to me! I obviously refused them as this went against my moral compass of not eating things I don’t want. The waiter gave me the evil eye and begrudgingly took back the steak fajitas.

To calm my nerves after the whole fajita debacle, my friends and I ordered a round of tequila shots! The same evil eyed waiter brought us our tequila shots. And queue in the paranoia! I was completely and utterly convinced that the waiter had poisoned my shot to get back at me.

My friends scoffed and said I was being crazy. But I was certain that he was out to get me. “If you’re so sure it’s not poisoned then you drink my shot and I’ll take yours!” I yelled. But then I backed out of this deal because I didn’t want my friends to die either. So I ordered another shot that I had decided was not contaminated.

And in a shocking turn of events, my friend offered the evil eyed waiter my original shot. He took it and to my knowledge, he lived to tell the story.