How to Know If You’re Getting Old

I had heard of this happening, but I never believed it was true. I thought it was just a myth that bitter people made up. But it’s true! People get older! You graduate college and you’re over the hill. Soon you’re working a full time job and the highlight of your day is finding a chocolate covered Oreo that you forgot you had.

I know this is a very frightening thought to have. And now you’re asking yourself, “Could I possibly be getting old?!” I have listed a few signs below to help you determine if you may be past your prime.

You can’t drink like you used to.

In your better days you would take 5 shots play a round of beer pong and party the night away. Then wake up the next day and do it all over again, maybe even get some day drinking in. But now in your old age, you simply cannot hang. You wake up the next morning swearing that you are going to die due to your massive hangover. Your promise yourself that you will NEVER drink again (and we all know that that’s just crazy talk)

You consider getting dinner with friends “going out”

Dinner used to be the part of the night where you get a few drinks in you to warm you up for a night of hard core clubbing. But now, you’re buzzed after half a glass of wine and ready for bed by 9. Dinner should by no means be considered the main attraction of your evening, unless you live in a convalescent home of course.

So don’t let your youth pass you by while you’re sitting there doing responsible things. Drink like you’re a 17 year old who doesn’t know any better and black out like you’re still a freshman in college. I know you have it in you.

How to Break Up with a Guy

After my previous post about falling in love, it only seemed appropriate that I discuss the actions that should be taken when the spark is gone and you want to get out of your current situation as quick as humanly possible!

You used to love his sense of humor, but now you are annoyed by his jokes . . . and everything else about him for that matter. So you have come to the conclusion that it is time to break up with him. But breaking up is a very sensitive situation that must be executed properly! If you do not handle this situation with care, you may end up scarring him for life and kill his ability to care about another person ever again!

For this reason you must follow the steps below:

Be standoffish for about a week

Take a long time to text him back, tell him you have other plans when he asks you to hang out and keep your conversations with him short. This is a critical step in the break up process because it cues him in to the fact that something is wrong without you just yelling at him “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE!” You can’t just come right out and say that! How rude!

Being rude to him before the break up will end up giving him some inner peace with the situation because he can say “I should have saw it coming, she was acting a so distant towards me”. He will then blame himself and you will not be held responsible. J So be rude to them so that they can have some closure!

Meet up with him at his house

This is where the action will go down! You want to break up with him at his house because he will feel safe in his own environment. He will be able to comfortably cry on his own pillow after you break the news to him. This will also allow you an easy way to exit strategy because you can just walk out the door. If you do this at your apartment, you won’t be able to get rid of him.

Keep it short and sweet

Tell him in three sentences or less how you feel and why you don’t think you guys are a good fit anymore. You don’t want to say too much because it’s only going to egg him on. He will want to ask questions and try to convince you to work out your problems. In this case, less is more. Say what you have to say and get out of there quick!

Break ups can be difficult, but the feeling of gaining your freedom back is priceless. So get it done so you can go make out with that hot guy you’ve been eyeing at the gym!

How to Know if You're in Love

That crazy little thing called love. We all experience this blissful emotion once or twice in our life. The feeling makes us feel invincible, like we’re floating on cloud 9 and are never coming back down to earth. Oh what a feeling! But the question is, how do you know if you are really truly in love with someone?

If you fit the criteria below, you have most likely encountered what Carey Bradshaw took 8 seasons of Sex and the City to find . . . LOVE!

You are really annoying to be around

You used to be the life of the party, armed with witty banter and a great personality! But now that you have met this amazing guy, it’s as if the fucking dementors sucked out your soul and took your personality along with it. Now all you ever talk about is your boyfriend. Quite lame! And nobody thinks your boyfriend stories are as funny as you do.

Can you stop talking about Edward now? 

You are miserable all the time

You would think that once you’ve found “the one”, everything would be sunshine and rainbows but this is not the case. Once you have caught him, you are now worried about keeping him! You get stressed when he takes longer than 15 minutes to text you back and if he tells you he’s busy, you convince yourself he is going to break up with you at any second! You are now living in constant fear that something is going to happen to your precious love!

We all imagine love as a surreal experience that has us prancing through meadows and hugging puppies, but love is actually a lot more menacing than one would expect. So beware!

How to Treat Guys

This is one of those lifelong questions that often haunts our dreams. Many have researched and fretted over this enigmatic question. How do I treat a guy I like? Well look no further I have the answer to your question. After thorough investigation I have found that the answer is really quite simple

LIKE SHIT

We give guys way too much credit and think that they are capable of feelings. The studies have proven that guys (unless they are a completely matured adult) do not have feelings. This is valuable information to know because this means that you do not have to feel bad for treating them poorly. So go ahead,

Cheat on them

Lie to them

Ignore their text messages for days on end

And my personal favorite, make plans with him then don’t show up.

You may be saying “Girly girl, how can you be so cold hearted?” And I really don’t have an answer to that question, but I will tell you that for some reason guys seem to really enjoy this treatment. I can’t explain it but this will make them love you more and treat you better. They enjoy the challenge of the chase. After all, no one wants to date someone that’s easy! Then you’re just a little slut*, and those are only good for having sex with.

*DISCLAIMER: I am passing no judgment on the sluts of the world; it’s just not the best way to get a guy to like you.

How to Have A Quarter Life Crisis

A severe disorder that is often overlooked in society is the inevitable quarter life crisis (QLC). Contrary to popular belief, this tends to be even more traumatic than the mid life crisis because you are still young enough to do whatever you want without the obligation of pestering children.

Be aware of the QLC because it can strike at any time. Usually it happens when you are feeling the most content with yourself. You’ve graduated college, found a nice job and gained some financial stability and BAM! QLC kicks in once you have been completely lulled into a false sense of security.

All of a sudden nothing seems right in the life you have created for yourself. Up is down, black is white, and Kim Kardashian is single again! I mean what kind of world are we living in when Kim can’t even survive in it?! At this point you will decide to make drastic changes in your life. You quit your job and proclaim to do the following:

"I’m going to move to France and be a florist! After all, flowers make everyone happy!"

"I’m going to try out to be a Laker Girl and dance my life away . . . or at least until one of the Lakers notices me and we get married."

"I’m going to open up an organic juice bar and be one with nature!"

"I’m going to move to Ireland and become a bartender. I’ll probably make pretty good money there, I hear the Irish really like to drink."

Living on the wild side with caution to the wind will always be an alluring life choice. But remember, that the simple life will only be fun for a few months. Once next season’s Chanel bag comes out and you can’t by it because you’re such a hippie now, you’ll have your next quarter life crisis and revert back to your old ways.