How to Put Yourself on Social Media Probation

Since my last post was the #Facebooktantrum, it only seemed fitting to discuss the aftermath of your social media fall from grace. Well my friend, you are now on Social Media probation. You must remain on lock down for the next month (30 days) to restore the balance in the social media universe.

I know, I know . . . this will be a difficult time for you but let’s face it, you did this to yourself when you thought it was a good idea to live tweet your break up via your FB status. It’s time to pull your shit together and prove that you still have some dignity left. The steps below will help you get through this trying period. God speed!

DO’s

• Like your BFF’s photos
• Write happy b-day on your friend’s wall
•  Post of a hot pic of yourself and your BFF to wish them a happy b-day (this is your only exemption in posting pics-don’t take advantage of this and start claiming randos are your friends just so you can post a pic of yourself with them)

 DONTS

•           Comment on anyone’s post
•           Like any photos that are remotely related to the guy you are crushing on
•           Post any pictures (Let me be clear- NOTHING!)

The great thing about Social Media Probation is that you will arise from your ashes a new woman! Everyone will have be wondering what you have been up to while you were on hiatus because you are obviously the most important person in the world.

Now good luck on your time out! Comment below and tell me how your Social Media Probation went.

How to Throw a #FacebookTantrum

We have all had those moments when we act out like a wild animal rather than collect our thoughts and behave properly. The drama only escalates once you decide to show your psychosis on social media.

This my friend is what we call a #FacebookTantrum. Much like the tantrums that a child throws, these tantrums are often completely unnecessary and will cause more harm than good.

And with that said, it’s easier said than done! It is extremely difficult to resist the urge to completely act out on social media when the stakes are so high.

There is one reason and one reason only that will possess you to post every breath you take on Facebook: A BOY

Ugh, it’s so sad but true.

1.) You either broke up with your boyfriend and want to show him that you’ve moved on and are having so much fun now that you’re single.

OR

2.) You’re dating a guy who hasn’t texted you back and you need to make a show of how much you “don’t care” that you haven’t heard from him in 4 days 17hours and 9 seconds (approximately of course).

Either way, the message you are trying to convey to this boy by posting thousands of pictures is:

Look how hot and popular I am! Look how much fun I am having! Look at all the other boys I know who want to hang out with me because I am so fun and having the best time ever.

No one else needs to know that you don’t even know the boys in your pictures and are just using them as human props.

The Facebook photos you post will inevitably have a slew of annoying hashtags that prove the point you are trying to make.

#bestnightever #yolo #sofun #solucky #lovemylife #amazinglife #fuckyoufornottextingmebackbecauseyoucouldhavebeenhavingthismuchfuntoo

Unfortunately, these Facebook Tantrums almost never result in a guy texting you back saying something along the lines of-

“Hey, you looked really hot in all those Facebook photos you posted. Can I take you on an extremely romantic date tomorrow night?”

So ladies, if you can do it, try to refrain from throwing these tantrums for your entire social media network to see. And if you must, remember that after your picture-posting spree is over, you will be on probation for the next month. After a Facebook Tantrum you cannot post anything for the next month. You have to put yourself on time out. Good luck on your endeavors!

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Proof that BETCHES LOVE THIS is Stealing My Shit

Every time I log onto the Betches Love this Website and read an article about a topic I just wrote about a few days ago, I have to fucking roll my eyes. It is NOT a coincidence that I write an article and two days later a similar topic shows up on their page. Am I meant to believe that they have ESP? Or that we are long lost telepathic soul mates who think the same thing at the same time? They wish!

Just because you don’t use my exact same language- doesn’t mean this isn’t plagiarism.

And now you’re like Girly Girl- sometimes people just have similar ideas especially when you write about popular topics. BULLSHIT! The time frame in which these articles are posted are always just a few days after my articles have posted.

Below are just a few examples of topics that they have stolen from me. I’m not gonna list them all because I don’t have all day here. The point is, why are you so obsessed with me? You can’t come to my birthday party. There were gonna be girls there in their bathing suits. I mean, right? #betchesarebitches

Please excuse my disproportionate graphics but I don't have time to sit here and code all day, I'm here to expose the truth people!

MY POST	BETCHES POST
Posted 7/3/14	Posted 7/10/14
Posted 7/12/14	Posted 8/18/14
Posted 8/29/14	Posted 9/2/14

 

How to Know if you Caught the Cray Cray

The worst has happened! You are going through life pimpin your pimp game with no feelings whatsoever when suddenly it hits you!

The F word! No not that one. Get your minds out of the gutter. But this F word is even worse! You have caught the Feelings! When you catch feelings for a guy there is no stopping it. Your first thought is that you’re pissed at your BFF because you’re pretty sure you caught it from her when she was obsessed with that guy from the bar last week. And now she passed it on to you. Bitch.

But beware my friends; no amount of B-12 and all the Z packs in the world will not get rid of this cold.

1.) Once the feelings have struck, an ion goes off in your brain that will make you act completely irrational (this is science I swear). You’ll go through all his Facebook photos and analyze every girl who has even sneezed next to him.

“I’m way cuter than her.” You’ll say. 
“Umm . . .that’s his aunt” Your friend will remind you.

2.) Next, your entire self worth will be tied up in your phone. You will check your phone every 5 minutes on the dot. When there is no new text from this guy you will die a thousand deaths.

You are annoyed once you realize the only texts you do have are from your parents and your bestie asking to go party. Doesn’t she know you’re still mad at her for giving you this stupid disease?! Leave me alone!

3.) The final step is that you will start to concoct strange scenarios to try to run into him again.

Well . . . he told me he eats food. Maybe I’ll just go to every restaurant in LA tonight to see if he’s there.

But listen and listen closely my friends. Under no circumstances will you do anything with the crazy thoughts swirling around in your head. YOU WILL DO NOTHING! Don’t call him, text him, FB message him. Lie still my young grasshopper. Just promise me now!

I’m sorry my friend, the cray cray has overcome you and there is really not much to do but wait it out. Like any other cold, the answer is alcohol. Drink these thoughts away until he texts you. Because let’s face it, he eventually will. And then you can return to your normally cool and collected self.

How to Call Someone Out

But seriously though . . .

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE BEEZIES THAT LOVE TO PLAGIARIZE MY BLOG

Dear what's her face,

I know life is about being lazy and all but come on, you’re making yourselves look so pathetic. Blogs are supposed to be for fun and maybe have a little integrity to them . . . or not according to you. Whatever.

I am very aware of the multiple times you have taken my posts, rewritten them and tried to convince others that the idea originated from your own head.

While I am flattered that you think so fondly of me, blogging would be a much more enjoyable experience if you would rise to the occasion and write your own work. I know that after a while it gets difficult to think of new material but come on. Be a little creative. How can anyone respect someone who isn’t intelligent enough to come up with their own material?

Since I have an inclination that you are subhuman and lack intelligence. I have provided the definition of plagiarism below so we can be clear on what you should not do in the future. K?

pla·gia·rism

noun \ˈplā-jə-ˌri-zəm also -jē-ə-\

The wrongful appropriation" and "stealing and publication" of another author's "language, thoughts, ideas, or expressions" and the representation of them as one's own original work.

-Merriam Webster Dictionary

Kindly note how I referenced my source material. You should have probably learned about this in college.

I hope this brief English lesson has enlightened you. Now take the information I have taught you and step your game up! And with this, comes a challenge! I challenge you to write a completely original and engaging article that has not originated from my head.

I hope this ends here and we can move forward in a peaceful and amicable manner. I love your blog and find it hilarious. You can go back to writing your own stuff and maybe one day we can be friends. Okay okay, how about frenemies at least?

This is the last time I will speak on this subject. You can go shave your back now.

Xoxo

Girly Girl

Not to be a bitch, but to be a bitch.