How to Create Awkward Moments

Every once in a while we all stumble upon uncomfortable situations that make us die a little inside. We do or say something that is absolutely humiliating and we cannot escape because a magic disappearing pill has not been created yet. So instead, you have to grin and bear it as if you are not having an internal breakdown.

But maybe some of you out there enjoy utter humiliation. And for those of you, I have listed the steps that will allow you to do so.

1.) The Handshake vs. The Hug

This happens when you just meet someone. You guys get along great and seem to be really hitting it off. Your phenomenal conversation has now come to an end and it’s time to say goodbye.

The question is: how close do you want to get to them after your brief encounter? The awkward moment is prompted when you extend your hand for the handshake but they opened their arms for the hug. Now they think you don’t like them that much because you went for the handshake. When really you just didn’t want to invade their personal space. I cringe just thinking about this!

2.) Get in an elevator

The elevator is a breeding ground for awkward moments because you are stuck in there and cannot escape until you get to your destination. Even though you are in an elevator for at most 45 seconds, it can seem like years! And so much can go wrong in such a short period of time. I have listed some key elevator scenarios below for optimal awkwardness:

a.) You step on someone’s foot. You apologize but you can feel their resentment towards you and have to endure it for the rest of your ride.

b.) You see an acquaintance and greet them when they get in the elevator. Now that you spoke to them you have to stress about carrying on a conversation for all 12 floors when you wanted to conversation to send at hi.

c.) You see someone dashing for the elevator and you lean in to push the close doors button. Despite your best efforts, they still manage to get in and now you look like a douchebag (which you are).

d.)  You bring up a topic of conversation to a friend in the elevator. An eavesdropper does not like your point of view and chimes in. Now the rest of the people in the elevator are subjected to your passionate debate with a stranger.

3.) Talk about people in close proximity to you.

Sometimes we just have a story to tell that’s just too juicy to wait until you are alone. So even though the person you want to discuss is right there, you decide that if you whisper the details to your friend, no one else will hear. Let me solve the mystery for you. The person you don’t want to hear will ALWAYS hear! Even if they don’t confront you about it, a menacing question of whether they heard you or not will be swimming around in your head until the end of time.

Although these awkward moments embarrass you to your core, you can’t live without them. It provides you with a little dose of entertainment and a nifty story to tell at your next party. Although, telling your embarrassing stories might be creating another awkward moment in itself.

How to be Considerate of Others

Unfortunately, grotesque human beings walk the streets of this planet everyday. And although I try my best to avoid them, they somehow always mange to find me. These people go about their lives thinking that they are the most amazing people ever. They believe that because they are so amazing, they do not have to be concerned with anyone else around them or how they might be affecting them. Oddly enough, just about everyone thinks they can do this and this causes troubles in society when everyone believes they can do what they want.

And I am here today to help all of us self-absorbed people to be more considerate of the people around us. Below are simple steps that will allow you to appear as if you are a Good Samaritan:

1.) Wear deodorant

There is NOTHING ruder than allowing innocent bystanders to smell your nasty stench from afar. They did not ask to be violated in such a way and they never did anything to you so WHY ARE YOU HARMING THE EARTH?!

I had a horrific encounter with one of the such just the other day. This is truly a traumatic tale so beware! I was working on my inner zen in a yoga class, when a strange and mysterious man suddenly appeared. He put his yoga mat down next to mine and began to practice some basic poses. Along with the poses came a waft that my nostrils had never had to endure before. The instructor kept saying that yoga is all about breathing, but what was I to do in such a situation?! I became weary and almost fainted from the stench but was determined to finish. I came out alive, but others may not be so lucky. So help out the community and slap on some Degree!

2.) Don’t snore!

Not only is this the most annoying sound ever known to mankind, but it is also very disruptive. So if you are planning on having a little sleepover with a special someone, don’t do it!

You may say, “snoring is uncontrollable, how on earth do I stop myself from doing it?” And my response to you is that I have no idea how you stop yourself from snoring, all I know is you must do anything and everything in your power to keep that awful sound from escaping your mouth! It is gross and highly unattractive, so work it out!

Hopefully these tips will allow us all to live our lives in peace and not have to encounter ghastly odors or hear tumultuous sounds. So get out there and do your part to make the world a better place!

How to Get Over A Guy

It happens to everyone, you lock eyes with that attractive someone and you are immediately smitten with them. You barely know them but are positive that you two are destined to be together for the rest of your lives! This great feeling of lust soon passes after about five minutes and you realize that this relationship can only lead to trouble. Although the love was strong, it is now time to get over your lusty feelings and move on. Girls often get all emo and cry “Why can’t I get over him, I want to move on!” This is just over dramatic because in fact, it is very simple to get over a guy.

All you have to do is follow the below steps:

1.) Envision him with a mustache.

No one looks good with a mustache! Even the most attractive celebrities can’t pull this look off.  So paint an image of him in your head with a mustache and your lusty feelings will melt away quicker than you can say “Shave that thing off your face!”

2.) Make him show interest in you.

Do whatever it takes to get his interest. Even if it means talking about something that you know nothing about, like football! Once he is attracted to you and actually wants to get to know you better, you will find that your interest will dwindle down to zero! We think that all we want is to get that guy of our dreams but we just want to know that if we wanted him we could have him. We all like the chase! Once he likes you and you know you can have him, you will tire of the game and move on to the next one!

See how simple it is! You can be on to your next target with little to no time at all if you follow the above steps. Just try not to break too many hearts while you’re out there playing the game!

How to Be Picky

The downfall of being an extraordinary girly girl includes the fact that you then must find an extraordinary manly man to share your throne with. He has to be absolutely amazing and damn near perfect if he thinks he has a chance with you. Many say that this means you are too picky. But what is the alternative to this? That you date any random guy that so happens to cross your path? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

There is nothing wrong with being persnickety in choosing who you will associate with. In fact, this is a sign that you respect yourself because you will only surround yourself with people who are as amazing as you are. So I say set as many crazy standards as you can for your potential guy and if he can’t live up to your standards set him free because he does not deserve you.

In hopes to help you with your list, I have listed my requirements to date a guy:

1.) He respects me

2.) He is smarter than me

3.) He is better looking than me

4.) He has a better job than me

5.) He is at least 6’3

6.) He does not wear sandals

7.) He is an athlete (not just any athlete, he needs to be the best at his sport. It is not acceptable to date 2nd string athletes)

8.) He is clean cut (this means no beards!)

9.) He is relatively fashionable

10.) He is related to royalty.

In retrospect, this is a rather short and simple list that should be easy to obtain, no? Or maybe there just aren’t as many fish in the sea as people claim there are. Either way, I am not lowering my standards so this means someone better be man enough to step up to the plate. And you shouldn’t settle for less either!

How to Be Lazy

There is nothing less attractive than a person that is super lazy and just has absolutely no motivation to accomplish something with their life. Don’t get me wrong here, I often have my own bouts with laziness but then realize that it’s a disgusting habit and need to get on with my life.

Below are signs that you or someone close to you needs to get up and do something immediately!

1.) If you wake up later than 10:00am on a week day.

Productive citizens are already out and about in society hustling and bustling about while you are still deep in dream land. You need to wake up every morning with a purpose and a sense of accomplishment. You don’t want to feel like your only purpose in life is to waste space.

*Side note: This rule does not apply to students. That would be very hypocritical of me because when I was in college I NEVER woke up before noon. Good times!

2.) If you are at work and are asked to do something and your response is “I’m too busy”

If someone ever says this to you in an office setting, I give you permission to slap them across the face. Not a hard slap though, one that just gives a stern warning. When people say “I’m too busy to do what you are asking me to do” it means “I am a really lazy person and although I am paid to do what you tell me, I would rather not do it because I suck”

"I am just way too busy right now"

3.) Hit the snooze button more than 3 times in the morning.

As a perpetual snooze button hitter, I know that this is a sure sign of laziness. I am pretty sure that those extra 10 minutes of sleep I get in the morning do not give me that extra energy boost I need to power me through the rest of my day. Unfortunately, knowing this does not stop me from hitting it over and over again.

4.) If you decline to go to an event because you would rather sleep than go out.

As put by NBC daytime television, “these are the days of our lives”! And we must live them to the fullest, not waste our life away in bed! After all, what is more likely to be a story you tell your children when you are older? Are you going to say “OMG, there was this one night where I went to bed super early and got a good night’s sleep”? That is the most boring story ever!

So lazies, fight your urge to sit around and do nothing. Suck it up, drink a Red Bull and go accomplish something with your life. So let’s leave the laziness to the sloths instead. Wow, all this writing is making me need a nap!

How to Get Out of a Ticket

Every once in a while it is inevitable that you will have a run in with law. This could be the slightest little action, such as getting a parking ticket or simply bumping into a police officer in line at the grocery store. What's important is how you react to these situations once you are in them. You need to find a way to wriggle yourself out of these tight spots and come out looking clean and pristine! :)

Below please find the necessary steps to take when your time to face the law comes.

1.) Act as if you have absolutely no idea why you could have gotten pulled over.

Examples:

- "WHAT? I had no idea I was going a hundred miles an hour?! I thought I was driving so slow.
- "My tail light is out? No way!"
- "This is a stolen vehicle? I am astounded!"

Even if you may know exactly what you were doing wrong, never admit it! Sometimes you have to play dumb because everyone doesn't always need to know every little detail of your life!


2.) Give him those puppy dog eyes.

Use your eyes to tell a story. Make yourself look as if you are as innocent as a lamb and make sure he believes it.

Side note: *A good way to get this look is if you get that subtle glaze over your eyes that comes before you are about to cry.

3.) Compliment him on doing such a good job at protecting the community.

Make him believe that you trust in the justice system that he has preserved for us.

ex: "Thank you for pulling me over because you have now made me a safer driver because of it sir"

It does not matter if you actually believe anything you are saying, as long as you get the words out of your mouth. These are the words that will get you off with a warning rather than a ticket. I'm trying to save you money here! So next time you feel like you may be in a jam, remember these steps and I guarantee that you will not receive that ticket that you probably deserved. :)

How to Heal A Bruised Ego

Healing a bruised ego after a blow to it can be a very distressing situation. Your ego needs to be nurtured and cared for to bring it back up to par with its usual standards. Although it may seem difficult at first, if you follow the steps below you will be back to your old big headed self again in no time at all!

1.) Put on your sexiest outfit and go look at yourself in the mirror for a minimum of an hour.

It is important that you pick this outfit out solely for your eyes only. It's as if you are seducing yourself. Then go look at yourself in the mirror and remind yourself that you are the hottest shit EVER! Just keep telling yourself this until you truly believe it. Then and only then can you step away from the mirror.

 

2.) Call up that old friend of yours.

Everyone has that one guy that for some reason worships the floor you walk on. Although you are not that interested in him, he is willing to hang out with you whenever you need him and will compliment you all night long. After one night out with this guy you will remember how desirable you really are.

 3.) Hit the club and get back out there!

A night out with your friends at the hottest dance club will immerse you back in to the game. Plus, dancing to your favorite jam at the club will make you feel sexy again while having a blast. There is nothing sexier than dancing.

It may be difficult at first to think that you will ever be as conceited as you once were when something breaks your ego. But you have to have faith that everything will be the way it once was again. And I guarantee that these steps will get you back to being a narcissist ASAP. So get your cocky self back out there! :)

How to Humble Oneself

As a mathematician I know that equations are very plain and simple with only one answer. Two plus two will always be four, correct? Well the other night I encountered an incident that disproved all of my prior schooling.

I began to flirt and spit my game at a guy I met at a party. Things were going well and I felt like the biggest pimp ever until the guy then actively made the decision to walk away and go flirt with another less attractive girl (apparently my flirting skills are not what I thought they were).

At the sight of this atrocity I was shocked, floored. . .FLABBERGASTED! My ego was immediately squashed like a tiny bug. This proved all of my previous scientific research to be wrong! The equation to this problem involves simple proportions:

Hot
______
Less hot  = HOT

The equation states that when hotness is divided by less hotness being more hot will always prevail.

I had to swallow a large helping of humble pie at discovering this (*side note: Humble pie is not as delicious as other pies and has a bitter after taste to it). My ego had never felt such a thing before!

I then realized that occasionally eating some of this pie can be healthy for you because although it does not taste good, it is very nutritious. It allows you to not become too full of yourself. Sometimes you need some gravity to bring you back down to earth. This was a lot to digest in one day. As you can imagine how traumatizing it must be to have your entire belief system shaken to its very core.

In an effort to alleviate my pain and salvage my belief in humanity, my friend disclosed to me an inspirational quote that gave me a better understanding of society. She said "guys don't want to drive a decked out red Ferrari every single day, sometimes they just want to drive around in their old reliable Honda."

Then the world made since to me again! Sometimes we have to just eat crow and accept that the Ferrari isn't always going to be the best vehicle. But in my case, I think I just need to find a guy that has better taste in cars.

To find out how I survived my bruised ego, tune in tomorrow.

How to Flirt

One of the most important skills a girly girl can have in life is to be able to flirt with a guy and win him over. Although it takes a lot of talent to pull off such a task, it can be done when the appropriate steps are taken. You also must be very committed to the cause of getting this guy. Flirting without that feeling of eager lust is just no fun!

Please follow the steps below to win over the object of your affection.

1.) Speak to him with your eyes.

It’s all about the eyes! People underestimate the power of talking with your eyes. Tell him exactly what you think of him without saying a word. Tell him “I want you” without actually saying it. This will be the method that you reel him in with. It will get him to come up to talk to you and make him think it was his idea.

 

2.) Make fun of him a bit.

Teasing him will give you the upper hand and let him know that you are light hearted and don’t take yourself too seriously.

3.) Make a point of contact

Find a reason to make physical contact with him.

Ex: Oooo your shirt is so soft, I’ve never felt cotton like this before.

Yes! It’s corny but you don’t need to be the wittiest person in the world to make your move. You just need to make sure he knows you’re interested. And touch will give you a real sense of if there is any chemistry between the two of you.

4.) Back off

Okay, you have done your flirting and let him know that you’re into him. Now it is his turn to do the work. Walk away and get away from him so he doesn’t think you like him too much. Make him chase you a bit.

DISCLAIMER: Throughout your flirting experience, under NO circumstances should you be the one to initiate further contact. He better be the one to ask for your number or lean in for the kiss. As you may know, desperate is never cute. Now that your pimp game has been solidified, get out there and get EVERY guy you want. With the skills I have armed you with you can take your pick on any guy of your choosing. It’s like shopping! :)

How to Treat People You Hate

Ever so often, I will come across a person that I absolutely cannot stand. For some reason or another they have made my shit list in life. And once on this list, it is rather hard to get off of it. It will take a lot of sucking up and flattery to win me over again. Maybe this person disagreed with my opinion on something or doesn't like Taylor Swift, but whatever your reason is, it is important to know how to interact with the people you can't stand.

I hope the steps below will enlighten you on the process of dealing with the recipient of your animosity.


1.) Greet them with a very sweet nickname

ex: Hey hun!
ex: Hey doll!
ex: Hey girly!

You do not want this person to know you hate them so it is better to sugarcoat your hatred with kind words. They hear you saying "Hi sweetheart!" when the undertones of your sentence are saying "Hey Bitch!"

2.) Give them a back handed compliment.

This will serve you with entertainment because they will not realize you are mocking them but your friends will. This will make you feel good about yourself because you will be making everyone else aware of how stupid they are for not reading your underlying messages.

ex: I love your new highlights! They are so streaky!

3.) Make sure to emphasize your joy of seeing them.

ex: It is so nice to see you!
ex: I miss you!

Some people may refer to these steps as being fake, but essentially it is  the only way to deal with someone you dislike because you never know when you will need to call in a favor to someone. And it is much easier to get something out of someone if they think you actually like them. Even if it's someone you hate, you have to pretend to get along with them because if they knew you didn't like them a battle may ensue. Fighting dramatic battles is always a waste of energy and also does not make you look cute. So remember guys, keep your friends close but your enemies closer!

How to Know If a Guy is Untrustworthy

As you may already know, there are plenty of guys out there that are completely unreliable and should never be trusted even for a second. Often times, against our better judgement we decide to give the poor chap a chance. This is when they prove to us that your first instinct to not believe anything they say was correct! At this point you can only blame your self. But the guy gave you signs that he was a questionable character right from the start. You just didn't know what the signs were.

This is how you will know if the guy you are dating should not be trusted under any circumstances.


1.) He has a sissy dog

This is a very shady situation. At this point you need to put him under the microscope and examine the type of person he is. It is unnatural for a man to be prancing around with a miniature poodle, tea cup terrier or a Chihuahua. Don't worry girls, your relationship can be salvaged! Just switch his dog for a Pitbull or a Rottweiler. I guarantee that under these circumstances your relationship will flourish!

2.) He keeps his phone on vibrate.

As a shady person myself who always has their phone on vibrate, I can tell you that no good will come of this. Phones are meant to ring! And if they aren't doing their job there is a problem. He most likely does not want to draw attention to the people that are contacting him because they probably shouldn't be contacting him to begin with. Watch out for this one ladies!

3.) He doesn't like avocado.

Avocados are simply the BEST things in the entire world! How can you not like the best thing ever? This means that he is a pessimist and does not understand how the world works! (it runs on delicious avocados!)

Now that you know what traits to look out for in a guy, you should be able to go out into the world and make good decisions about the guys you date. And if you go against my cautionary advice then you can't blame me when your fling goes sour. So watch out!

How to be Pretentious

There are many people I encounter that walk around with an air about them as if they are quite possibly the MOST AMAZING PERSON EVER! This is in most instances very far from reality, which brings up the inquiry of how this notion of greatness got into their head to begin with. In this delusional state they believe that they are better than everyone else and should be treated as such. These pretentious people roam the earth and walk amongst us but what we may not be aware of is that pretentious people are everywhere! There are different kinds of pretentious people that must be placed in different categories to better understand their nature. 

I have provided the categories for you below so that you will be able to identify them when you see them.

1.) Academically Pretentious

We have all had this annoying college friend who will cry actual tears because they got a 92% on their paper. Although it is still an A and they did better than everyone else around them they will complain to you about their low A so that you are aware of how smart they are.

I can't even really hate on this kind because if I was a genius I would want everyone to know to and treat me accordingly.  

2.) Athletically Pretentious

This breed is often found at the gym. These will be the people that are over eager to be at the very front of the gym classes so that everyone else can see how good they are at exercising. 

I encountered one of the sort just the other day. I signed up for a fitness boot camp. One of the athletically pretentious approached me and asked me if I had taken the class before. When I replied no, he attempted to scare me out of the class by telling me that the class would be really challenging for me and I probably would not be able to handle it if I wasn't an athlete. I decided to be nice and not point out the fact that if HE was a real athlete he would not be taking the same gym class as a girly girl and would be running drills in the NFL.

This strain of pretentious people are a distinguishable category because they truly don't mean you any harm. Recognize that being really good at a gym class is probably all they have going for them so placate them. Make them believe they really are as great as they think.

3.) Socially Pretentious

This breed of pretentious believes that they are so amazing that they should not be subjected to having to socialize with people who are not at the same level as them in any way. They will completely disassociate themselves from any one who is not up to par with their standards because that would be unacceptable.

I'm not gonna lie to you, I may or may not fit into this last category as I only want my friends to be around people that I believe are as or more attractive and intelligent as I am.  :)

I am not saying there is anything wrong with being pretentious as I am sure we all are pretentious to some extent. There is nothing wrong with this as long as we are aware of the fact that we are such snobs. As humans, it is only natural to posses this pretentious gene, just know which category you fit in.

How to Guilt Trip People

An essential aptitude to possess in life is that of having a power over someone and being able to hold it over there head. This is a very dynamic trait that will allow you to make people do whatever you want them to do. It's almost as if you have super powers that allow you to get inside people's heads and manipulate them into doing exactly what you say! What fun!

Below I have provided steps that will grant you the power to guilt people into doing what they are supposed to do. :)

1.) Remind your victim of something you have done for them.

This will make the person aware of how selfless you are and make them believe that you would do the same for them.

ex: Do you remember when we went out to eat that time and I went to grab silverware for myself and you asked me if I could get yours for you as well? I went out of my way to grab that extra fork because that is the type of friend I am!

2.) Exaggerate the importance of your request.

ex: If you don't come with me to this party I will die! Not going to this party will turn me into an anti social human being and will cause me to die of loneliness!

 3.) Nonchalantly dismiss the subject while sprinkling in specs of guilt.

ex: Don't worry about coming with me to the party, it doesn't matter if this is the most important thing in my life and I will be depressed forever if I can't go. No big deal.

This last step is key in activating the guilt within your friend. Give them about 15 seconds to let the guilt seep in and they will eventually relinquish any will power they have.

*And always remember to throw in a nice smile with your request so that your friend will believe you are an angelic soul and you deserve to be obeyed. :)

And there you have it! I must warn you though that controlling people is a great ability to have. Always remember that with great power comes great responsibility so use your powers wisely!

And there you have it. I must warn you though that controlling people is a great ability to have. So remember that with great power comes great responsibility and use your powers wisely!

How to Bore People with Your Conversation

There is nothing worse than indulging in a conversation in which you did not want to partake in from the beginning. It is ridiculous how many people think what their saying is actually captivating and that other people want to listen. So please be considerate of others and only talk about things that are indeed amusing. Below are topics that people often discuss but are not actually appealing in any way.

1.) Your Boyfriend

I prepared a census report and in my polling I discovered that the amount of people that care about your inane stories is approximately zero.

No one cares that your boyfriend has a puppy or a goldfish or a pen. So only mention him when you have something important to say.

Examples of boyfriend related things that are important to mention:

1.) He said I love you for the first time
2.) You guys are moving in together
3.) You guys broke up
4.) He did something really sweet for you
5.) He proposed

 2.) How many calories you ate today

Calorie counting rarely makes for riveting conversation. Furthermore, if you talk about calories it will make you seem insecure. I think we all know that insecure is out of fashion and so not cute.

 

3.) Your stress level

Every person in this world  is stressed out for one reason or another so talking about it is only going to make the people around you remember how stressed they are as well. Then everyone involved in the conversation will have worked them selves up into a stress whirlwind and no one will be happy.

So get out there and talk to people about things that they actually want to hear about. This is just one simple step you can take to make the world a better place.

How to Invade Someone's Personal Space

Some girly girls are like cuddly puppies who love to give hugs and be affectionate. NOT I! I would say I am more of a porcupine than a cuddly puppy. I like to have my own bubble that no one will dare infiltrate! Below are methods to implement if you would like to make someone feel uncomfortable by entering their personal bubble!


1.) Sneaking up on someone and covering their eyes while saying "guess who?"

The only surprise in this game is why your hands are on my face! Stop it!

 2.) The European double kiss

There are few things that will irk me more than a random guy who I don't know kissing me on the cheek. It is incredibly invasive and in case no one realized, we are not in Europe! Only then would this "affection" be acceptable.

 These rules mainly apply to new acquaintances who think they are closer to you than they actually are. Don't get me wrong here, these little signs of affection could be great fun if they are coming from a gorgeous guy. But if you aren't hot, the moral of the story is KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF!

How to Know if You Have Good Friends

With all the crazies in the world, it is imperative to truly understand who in this world is actually your friend. These are the people that will support you when you are down and be there for you through thick and thin. You need to know if the people around you are trustworthy and can truly be relied on in your time of need. Below I have listed signs that will indicate if the people around you are good friends.

1.) They will force you to take that last shot that sends you into a black out when it is obvious that you are already drunk.

2.) They will convince you that it is a good idea to make out with the random stranger you just met at the bar because if you don't you are lame.

3.) They will make you feel like you are the worst person in the world if you want to do something responsible instead of partying with them. 

I am lucky enough to have several good friends such as this and not to brag, but I would say I am a pretty amazing friend myself in these ways. :) I hope you have a solid group of friends like this surrounding you too!

How to Properly Reject a Guy

We have all had the awkward moment when a hapless guy approaches you. He seems oblivious to the fact that you are WAY out of his league and bless his heart, still tries to talk to you! He doesn't mean you any harm he just doesn't know any better, poor kid. So let the kid down easy and don't break his heart. Here's how.

1.) Act very interested and engaged in your conversation.

You would think that being mean would be the proper course of action but I have found that if I am completely uninterested in a guy, they tend to like me even more! Giving him the illusion that he might actually be able to have you make you less appealing.

 2.) When he asks for your number say "I have a boyfriend".

Every guy should know that "I have a boyfriend" is universal code for "I have zero interest in you and want to get away from you asap but I can't say that because that would be rude"

 3.) Quickly use the "I gotta go find my friends" line and get out of there before he can ask you anymore questions about your imaginary boyfriend.

PS: If you really want to give this guy a number, give him the number below. It is a rejection hot line and someone else can explain to them that they have officially been rejected.

310-217-7638