How to Pick Your Friends

We’ve all heard the quote “you are the company you keep”. And it’s true! You will always be judged by the type of people you have around you. So you better make sure that you’re only surrounding yourself with the most amazing kick ass people this planet has to offer.

The people you associate with must possess the below qualities if they are to stay in your inner circle.

1.) Pretty

Sorry, it’s true! You HAVE to have good looking friends. In the long run, it will make your life easier in so many ways. For all you people out there who claim to not be superficial, below I have listed several reasons to only hang out with hot people.

a.) You are 90% more likely to get into a club if you have hot people with you rather than rolling in with some beasties.

b.) Other people will think you are way cooler than you actually are because hot people are always surrounding you.

c.) Guys will be more interested in hanging out with you because you have hot friends that their buddies can hit on. If you are going on a first date with someone and you guys are bringing friends along, you don’t want to be the person that brought their ugly friend. Can you say awkward?

2.) Down for the cause

As a girly girl you must always be prepared for the unexpected. With that in mind, you will need friends who are just as adventurous as you are. You need a friend that you can call up and say that you guys have to take 10 shots, immediately hop on some donkeys and ride them to Mexico to hide out for a couple of days. A good friend will be ready to go with her sombrero in hand, NO QUESTIONS ASKED!

3.) Smart

Your friends have to be smart! Maybe even smarter than you so they can teach you things and stop you when you are about to make bad decisions. Besides, dumb is contagious and stupid is something you definitely do not want to be. It’s so not cute.

"I wear glasses so I must be smart!"

So make sure your closest friends have these characteristics or else you will be doomed to a life of loneliness and solitude. Or you will have friends but they will just be lame. Sucks for you!

How to Make Your Great Escape

Even as a girly girl, it is possible to get ourselves into some sticky situations with no understanding of how we got there. These sticky situations often present themselves after an evening of heavy drinking, which make s everything seem like a good idea!

Maybe you met a hot guy at the trendy club you were at and decided it would be a great idea to go back to his place for the “after party” and hang out. In essence, this sounds like a blast! But what will happen is you will arrive at your destination and will quickly sober up at the realization that you are in an apartment in a foreign place with a guy that you don’t even know at all!

At this point your drunken brain will begin to spaz out and paranoia will kick in. Every worst case scenario will pass through your head until you eventually have an epiphany and say to yourself “I NEED TO THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!” But how do you coyly slip out without making a big scene? After all, you have only been at his house 2 minutes; it would be rude to leave so quickly.

No need to panic my dear! Leaving this foreign location is actually quite simple. I have listed the steps below:

1.) Take note of your exits

Examine your environment thoroughly so you are aware of every place you could possibly slip out of including doors, windows and doggy doors. 

2.) Compliment him

You want him to feel comfortable and think you like him so that he will not suspect that you are plotting to take flight. Tell him how smart, sexy and gifted he his. You might even want to throw in a compliment about his dance moves at the club!

3.) Complain about something

Complain about an aspect of your environment that he can fix.

For example: If you tell him it’s hot, he can turn on the air conditioner. OR If you tell him you are thirsty he can go to the kitchen to get you a glass of water.

4.) Make a run for it!

While he has slipped away to the kitchen to get you your water, you grab your purse and the little dignity you have left and get to your designated exit ASAP! He will never know what happened!

And there you have it! You are now free as a bird to fly free! If only you could find a cab to get you back to your house now! Although you were able to escape, I recommend that you text him the next day with some kind words so he doesn’t feel rejected. After all, you don’t want him to think you’re completely crazy and you might want to go out with him later.

How to Know If You Are A Hoe or a Housewife

We’ve all heard of the famous quote “You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife”. But the question is, how do we know which one we are?!

There comes a critical point in the life of all women where we all must reflect on our life experiences and figure out exactly what type of person we truly are. The question may haunt you everyday- Am I a hoe or wifey type? And as you may know, the two are VERY different from one another and will NEVER cross the same path. You may be wondering to yourself “Can I be one then convert to the other side?”. The answer is NO my friends! You are either one or the other and will remain so for the rest of your life!

It may be hard to come to a conclusion as to who you are but after deep mediation and soul searching; the answer will inevitably come to you. But for those of you out there who do not wish to invest in such deep thinking, I have listed the traits that make someone either a how or a housewife. May the information below guide you down the right path.

HOES	HOUSEWIFE
Has several baby daddies but no husband	Knows who their baby daddy is
Base their self worth on how many guys want to have sex with them	Base their self worth on how many guys will take them on fancy dinners
Guys are nice to them because they want to have sex with them	Guys are nice to them because they actually respect them
Will sleep with you after giving them one compliment at the club	Will sleep with you after you’ve at least offered to take them on a date
Sleeps with their boyfriend and yours as well	Sleeps with their boyfriend and will only make out with your boyfriend
Goes to college to meet the football players	Goes to college to meet the doctors

Now that you know how to properly categorize yourself, let the truth guide you to a great and happy life. But remember that being one is no better than the other. At the end of the day everyone’s just trying to get laid!

How to Distinguish between Hook up Buddies and Dating

It’s happened to all of us once or twice. You meet a guy, begin “hanging out” with him all the time, you may have even caught feelings for him! You begin to analyze your relationship with the fellow and wonder “what exactly are we?”

ARE WE FUCK BUDDIES OR ARE WE ACTUALLY DATING?!

It may be hard to distinguish between the two because the lines between the two are so blurred. No need to fret! Next time you come across this dilemma, ask yourself the following questions and you will know the status of your relationship!

1.) Does he always text you after midnight?

You may be flattered that he is contacting you to hang out, but know that nothing good can come from frolicking with a guy in the wee hours. If it is after midnight you should know that these are prime hook up hours and that is the only reason he wants to see you!



2.) What do you guys do when you hang out?

If you spend the majority of your time together “watching movies” in the bedroom, you guys are fuck buddies- DUH! To actually be dating someone you must in fact go places with them that do not include your place or his.


Are we gonna hook up now?

3.) Is he affectionate to you in public?

If a guy is all over you when the two of you are alone but won’t even hug you in public, this should raise a red flag to you. This is the final step to solidify your status with him as a fuck buddy. A guy that likes you will treat you the same no matter where you are.

Knowing where you stand with a guy will save you a lot of grief in the long run. But don’t get me wrong here; I am not saying that it is a bad thing if a guy is your just fuck buddy. In fact, fuck buddies are an instrumental part of society that allows us all to be happy productive citizens! Just know what your relationship is so you don’t look crazy when you ask him to meet your parents.

How to Be Athletic

You may be asking yourself right now “What could a girly girl possibly be able to teach me about being athletic?”. Well my friend, being athletic does not mean that you do sprints everyday and are team captain of the football team, it means that you know how to play the game! This is an important skill to have or you will get stampeded over by people in better shape than you!

In order to play the game it is imperative that a girl always have a team of guys. If you have a few more that is even more amazing because you can bench the players of your team that are being assholes. Your roster should read as follows:

1.) The hot guy

2.) The guy who constantly compliments with you and gives you an ego boost

3.) The hook up buddy

4.) The guy that takes you out to dinner

5.) The smart guy who can actual give you advice about your life

It is essential that you have all five in order to have a successful team because if you put all your hopes and dreams into one guys who will be vastly disappointed. When your star player starts busting out his douche moves you will be happy that you have back up plan and can call on the person next person in line. Often times, us girly girls become too interested in just one of the guys, usually the hot guy, but be aware that this one is the most douchey of them all.

After all girls, even Kobe Bryant needed the rest of the Lakers in the game to win the finals. A one man team just won’t get you far in life.

How to Be Mathematical

The math I’m talking about is not the same times tables and division you learned about in elementary school. This math is way more handy when it comes to matters of the heart!

Girly girls know how phenomenal they are but do not always realize that they must also date guys that are just as phenomenal as they are. If you are a 10 you should be dating a 10. . .but a lot of times we forget about our greatness and start dating way below our level. Have no fear! For this very reason I have created a system to make sure that you are dating someone that meets your standards. It takes out the confusion of wondering if you should continue to engage with a guy or if he is truly a loser.

* My point system ranges from 1 to 100. If a guy reaches 0 you are forbidden from ever speaking to him again! No Facebook chatting, no texting you are not even allowed to think about him! If he surpasses 100 he can be trusted and you should be treating him well! Below please find my mathematical genius. J

Give the guy the benefit of the doubt and no matter what start him off at 100 points.

Subtract points:

5 points                for talking about his ex girlfriend in front of you

5 points                taking longer than hour to text you back

10 points              for every hour after that

15 points              for texting you after 10:00pm

20 points              if more that 5 days pass without him contacting you

25 points              for being stupid

25 points              for flirting with another girl in front of you

95 points              for kissing another girl in front of you

Add points:

5 points                for each compliment he gives you

10 points              for being a gentleman and opening your doors

10 points              contacting you just to say hi

20 points              for being affectionate with you in front of his friends

35 points              for taking you out to dinner

50 points              taking you out on an original date

Let this point system guide you in the right direction and don’t settle for guys who aren’t A+ students!

How to Know If A Guy Is an Asshole

As someone who has an affinity for assholes, I know better than anyone else what characteristics they possess. Although I know that I should completely avoid this population of people, I can’t help but be attracted to a guy that just completely ignores me! What’s the deal?

If you have more will power than me and can muscle up the strength to escape the asshole, you should! Run for the hills and never turn back! If the guy you are seeing possesses even one of these traits, dump his ass!

1.) His last name is a first name

It has been scientifically proven that when a guy is anointed with a last name that could be used as his first, something is chemically set off in his body that will make him the ultimate douche bag. I have never come across the exception to this rule.


Sketchy.



2.) He is a Gemini

I wish I knew why this was true, but there is something about Gemini males that is not compatible for dating. They could possibly be tamed for a few weeks but their true nature will eventually show. They will be back to treating you poorly, ignoring you and hooking up with other girls in no time. . .On second thought, this guy sounds kinda hot! Why are these assholes so alluring!

3.) Has texting issues

If you are talking to a guy that takes more than 15 minutes to text you back, you should drop him. This is the 21st century people! Everyone’s phones are practically glued to their hips; so not responding in a timely manner is simply unacceptable.

In many of my asshole exploits, I have encountered several of the sort. These guys will have many excuses for why it took so long to text you back:

Sorry, I passed out

Sorry I left my phone in my car

Sorry an alien from outer space came down and stole my phone

And yet, at the end of the day there is no excuse that is acceptable. Remember that you are the shit and you do not have to put up with such shenanigans.

4.) Begs you for sex

This will be your first sign that you have come in contact with an asshole. I came across a beggar one time. I told him I would not have sex with him on our first date but he kept begging after being shut down. He then went on to tell me how amazing he would be in bed. If a guy ever has to tell you how great he is in bed, there is a strong chance that he will not live up to these expectations . . .and he didn’t.

Now that you know what traits make up an asshole, go forth with this knowledge and use it to your advantage. If you now chose to date an asshole you have been warned! Although I wouldn’t really blame you for doing it. Why are they so hot?!

My Bad

Sorry for my long hiatus. . .But i'm back in action now :)

How to Have Your Day Ruined

Sometimes, you can be having the best day of your life and without any warning signs, BOOM! The day has taken a turn for the worse. You could be going about your day beaming with happiness. Your sliding down rainbows and skipping through pastures with butterflies but little do you know that everything is gonna go from joyous to shitty in less than 60 seconds. It’s funny how the tiniest incident can sabotage your entire glorious moment.

Below are some incidents that will make you wish you hadn’t even bothered to leave your house because it would have spared you the trouble you would later encounter.

1.) Getting a parking ticket

There is simply no way to bounce back from the horrible feeling of getting a parking ticket. You feel stupid for getting it and you have to spend your precious money on such a stupid thing. There is no bigger waste of money than a parking ticket.

On top of all this, you will innately get the urge to track down the stupid officer who gave you the ticket and make them suffer for all eternity. I am still in search of the ever irritating Officer Cox who gave me a ticket for parking too far away from the curb. I didn’t even know you could get a ticket for that!

2.) Eat a bad meal

Once I have had an unsatisfying meal it is guaranteed that all hell is about to break loose. You are filled with regret for choosing the wrong menu item and know that all the crying you do cannot rewind time and change what you did. Such a tragic situation ruined my life just the other day when I chose to eat a shrimp Caesar salad. In theory, it should have been amazing! But it was soggy and the shrimp was not cooked enough! I blame this salad on the fact that I proceeded to be a raging bitch for the rest of the day.

3.) Run into your ex

Nothing can quite ruin a great day like this. It is the factor of the unexpected that is the most gut wrenching. You think you are having a regular day, you’re doing your thing, when the devil arises from hell just to say hello. It is one of the most tragic experiences one can have.

Sadly enough, I had the displeasure of running into my ex boyfriend recently. I was at the gym getting ready to attend yoga class when my Zen was rudely thrown off by none other than the devil drinking water at the water fountain!

*Side note: I do not use the word devil lightly. I am convinced that my ex boyfriend is actually the devil in human form. He is Lucifer himself!

Anyways, I was astounded that he would have the audacity to enter my gym. THE GALL OF THIS GUY! I didn’t care that we broke up in high school and it had been several years. He should know better than to enter my life unannounced. Needless to say, no amount of yoga could get me to the proper Zen level after that. My great day was officially ruined!



"Oh.. . .it's you."

 So be aware of these troublesome signs that could lead you down a dark path just when everything seems fine and dandy.

How to be An Alcoholic

There is a very fine line between binge daily social drinker and being a flat out alcoholic. In case you are not aware of the difference, the former is acceptable and classy while the latter is gross and disgraceful. So when your planning your next black out, please be sure to be the binge drinking daily drinker rather than an alcoholic.

I have listed the proper steps to offer you guidance in your path to alcoholism. If you fit any of the characteristics below, you may in fact be an alcoholic.

1.) Drinking before 10:00am when there is no football game on.

This great place we live in called America created the sport of football so that you would have an excuse to drink super early. But if you begin drinking with no reason at all, you are abusing the power you have been given through football.

2.) Drinking alone

It is never cool to be by yourself and be having a happy hour of one. So if you are alone and suddenly have the urge to drink, then do the decent thing and call up a friend and ask them to drink with you. When there are two it makes it a party! Also, you will probably end up drinking more if your friend is there because you want to make them feel welcome!

3.) Drinking when sick

Say you are deathly ill and go to the doctor’s office. The doctor then prescribes you antibiotics that will make you feel better. But there is a catch! You cannot drink for the next week while taking the medication! What are you to do?! Then you begin to question how sick you actually are. You begin to think to yourself “Maybe I can just get through this the natural way, I don’t need drugs but I do need alcohol!”. You ask the doctor if there are any antibiotics you could take instead that will allow you to drink. At this point, the doctor will look at you with judging eyes and you will know in this instance than you are truly an alcoholic.

Nobody wants to be an alcoholic, but everyone does want to be a binge drinker so make sure you fall into the right category. It’s quite easy to find loopholes in the system that will allow you to party your ass off without having the social stigma of being an alcoholic. So make sure to follow these guidelines and you will be looking classier than ever! Cheers to that!

How to be a Party Pooper

We all know that person, the person sitting in the corner of the room at a party and sucking all the energy at it. Although you are trying to get your party on, you can’t help but notice that person draining your energy with their sadness. This group of people are often referred to as party poopers. They are incapable of having a good time and will bring you down with them if you don’t watch out. They want you to be as morose as they are and will not tolerate positivity around them.

If you care to be a Debby Downer as well, you should follow the steps below.

1.) Go out in a bad mood

Sometimes we are having a bad day and think that if we go out it will make us feel better. Going out when you are in a dark place never works because you can never quite shake off the stink of the day. On top of it, your depressing spirits will begin to rub off on the friends you are out with because you won’t let them have a good time. Also, your friends will resent you for ruining their evening.

2.) Don’t socialize with any one at the party

There is no point in going to a party if you are not going to talk to other people. If you sit in the corner talking to your same friend that you talk to every day, you are not making new contacts. You will make yourself look especially bad if people approach you to start a conversation and you don’t engage. Social skills are an important quality so it’s best that you refine yours if you want to survive in this crazy world!

3.) Complain about wanting to leave

Do you really want to be “that person”? That person who is annoying everyone you are with about when they can leave. You decided to go out to suck it up and make yourself have a good time. Everyone has some acting skills so use them and pretend you are having fun and maybe you actually will!

Contrary to the popular song, every party does not in fact need a party pooper. So if you feel the urge to be a kill a joy, make the decision to just stay home so that you are not destructive to yourself and to others.

How to be Cheap

Epic quotes are not just created out of thin air, they always come from truth. So when someone says “you get what you pay for” know that it is no joke and should be taken seriously. The quote means that being cheap will not get you far in life. It may provide instant gratification, but will hurt you in the long run.

To help you understand the severity of being frugal, I have provided a list below of things that are NOT acceptable to be cheap with.

1.) Waxing and things pertaining to your face

For reasons that should be blatantly clear, you should not be try to find a bargain when getting waxed or getting a facial.

I learned this the hard way when I thought it would be a good idea to get my eyebrows waxed at the nail salon. I had burns across my eyebrows for a whole week! I looked like I had some type of tribal markings embedded in my face. It was so not cute!

2.) Hair products and styling

Hair is a very crucial part of your appearance. If your hair is jacked, so are you! So don’t go get a five dollar hair cut. Splurge a little and spend an extra few bucks because it will be worth it.

3.) Events you are inviting others to

I was once invited to a party. I excitedly accepted the invitation but my enthusiasm quickly diminished when I was asked to contribute money towards the alcohol, food, transportation and entrance into the venue. I was basically being asked to throw the whole damn party myself! I then declined the invitation because of the lack of refinement this party would have if everyone had to pay for it. It also made me judge my friend. So don’t ask your friends to pay for your finances!
 
                                       

Don’t get me wrong here; I understand that in this economy we have to cut back on some of our expenses. But you should not be frugal at the expense of your health, looks or your reputation. So get it together!