How to Prepare for Halloween

In the spirit of Halloween, I think that it is vital for everyone to understand the proper procedures that must take place to ensure your Halloween festivities meet all your expectations. I hope these steps help you on your path to Halloween enlightenment.

1.) Wear a slutty costume

I always hear people complaining that girls use this holiday as an excuse to run around naked. This is just not true! Below i have provided a little story to provide further understanding of why people bust out their skank fits on this particular day.

THE STORY OF HALLOWEEN:

Not many people know this, but there was a beloved saint named Halloween. She was the sweetest most charitable woman of her time. She would give you the shirt off her back if you wanted it. Although Halloween was such a beautiful soul, she loved to dress in very promiscuous and revealing clothing. She would gallivant around town doing her good deeds in differently themed lingerie outfits. Sometimes she would dress up a school girl and other times she might be a fairy princess.

After she passed away, her town wanted to honor her memory and keep her giving spirit alive so they created the holiday, Halloween. Since then it became tradition to dress in this manner for this holiday. On this most sacred of days, everyone dresses up in their skankiest outfits to remember the beauty and kindness Halloween brought to this world.

2.) Actually, wearing a slutty costume is the only requirement for Halloween now that I think about it.

Now get out there and celebrate Saint Halloween with the utmost of honor so that her death was not in vain.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!

How to Rekindle the Flame

The phrase "there is a thin line between love and hate" has been said many times before, but I think this hate side of things needs to be evaluated a bit deeper. We have all had people in our life that we have despised more that we thought was humanly possible. But did you ever take the time to think maybe, just maybe, your complete malice might be stemmed in absolute passionate love?

After all, I still remember my 6th grade crush. I HATED him. I wanted his head served to me on a silver platter but by the 7th grade we were officially in a relationship for a whole week!

I have provided steps for how to reunite with your arch foe and make the sparks fly!

1.) Have an awkward/ traumatizing encounter with each other that will make you both utterly embarrassed to even see each other's face again.

 2.) Randomly run into him and be utterly embarrassed because of your previous encounter.

3.) Brood over the fact that you hate him so much because of your embarrassing moment together.

 4.) Hate him to the point that you cannot stand the thought of him being on the same planet as you.

 5.) Once your hatred has exceeded all possible levels of emotion, drunk dial him.

 6.) Reunite for a night of passion and return to hating each other after the fact.

How to Lose Weight

Many people often complain about their weight and say that they would like to lose a few pounds. I don't understand what all the hoopla about losing weight it. It is actually quite easy you see. There is a myth out there that says that the only way to lose weight is to exercise and eat properly, well I am here to tell you that you have been lied to all these years!

If you follow these steps below you can lose a large amount of weight in a very short amount of time. 


1.) Fall madly in love with the man of your dreams and have a despairingly tragic break up.

There is no better diet than heartbreak! The pain is so consuming that you will completely forget that you wanted to stuff your face with that third slice of cake. Also, all the crying you will do will get rid of excess water weight. The best part about the heartbreak diet is that you won't even notice you have been losing weight until BAM one day you are all of a sudden 10 pounds thinner. It's like magic!

 2.) Manage to contract a cold virus

If you can somehow manage to catch a cold you are in good fortune for your diet plan. I'm not talking some life threatening disease here. Just something that will make you miserable for a few days. If you should be so lucky to find and attain food poisoning you are in for a really special treat. Food poisoning will have you fitting into your new club dress in less than 24 hours!

So go make a valiant effort to get depressed and be sick and you will notice the pounds just shedding off! You will be rocking those skinny jeans in no time. Good luck!

How to Disturb People with Your Fashion Choices

It is visually offensive to encounter people walking down the street who have not mastered the basic skill of being able to put themselves together. People should know how to get dressed and enter society properly. I have listed some fashion atrocities I have seen that have disturbed me to my very soul. It was like Medusa, just looking at these Faux Pas and I turned to stone. The very essence of my being was obtrusively taken from me! Hopefully this list will help us all to avoid these mistakes and live a happy life.

1.) Curly hair with straightened bangs

Do NOT do this! Your hair should either be completely straight or completely curly. This is a case where the best of both worlds does not apply. You will look confused because you couldn't choose between wearing your hair straight or curly. Make a decision and stick to it!

2.) Wearing tights with open toed shoes.

NO. This is not acceptable. It is a conflict of interest to wear tights to keep you warm then wear open toed shoes over it like it's summer or something. Tights and sandals are contradictory item. Get it together!

3.) Camel Toe pants

Wearing pants that give you a camel toe will indicate to the people around you that your pant are a size to small for you but you are in denial and refuse to buy another pair. Take my word for it, SPRING FOR THE NEXT SIZE!

Now let's all do our part in society to make this world a happy and beautiful place by following these guidelines. I will do my part because I am an environmentalist and want to make the world a better place. No need to thank me, that's just the type of person I am.

How to Get Along with Your Hair

I don't know about you guys, but I get into altercations with my hair on a daily basis. We have physical fights in which my hair always wins! Every day I try to stand up for myself and say "You are not going to bully me anymore, you will do what I tell you to do!" But my hair says "Hell no, I want fly free and not be constrained!" And because my hair has all the power in this relationship, I eventually concede and do what it wants.

When my hair and I fight, I often like to threaten my hair. I tell it,

1.) I will put my flat iron on the highest setting and burn you!
2.) I will put you up in a bun!
3.) I WILL CUT YOU!

My hair never believes my idol threats so I've found that it is most effective to be nice to it and just talk about it behind its back instead. We are frenemies in essence. I'll deep condition you hair and keep you healthy but watch your back, I will be back for my revenge one of these days!

So my hair advice to you is to just pretend like you get along so you can present a united front to the public and save the fighting for your private moments together.

How to Inflict Pain Upon Yourself

A wise man, I believe it was Aristotle, once uttered the phrase "beauty is pain". There has never been a truer statement known to man. Us girly girls must endure the toils of emotional and physical pain in order to come out looking pristine and proper. All the pain is worth it though when you come out looking like a hot mama jamma!

Below are some of the struggles that women must endure but are totally worth it.

1.) Wearing heels

Very painful but for some reason the higher they are the hotter you look! I can't help but give myself an extra glance in the mirror when I have heels on and say to myself "Damn, girly girl, you're lookin good!"

 

2.) Waxing

Yes it hurts but this is the only way to remove hair. Plucking with tweezers does not leave a clean after look. And do you really want to look messy? We've discussed this before. . .the answer is no!

 3.) Ear Piercing

It hurts but it adds just the right amount of jazziness to your appearance. Let me emphasize that I mean just ears here! It is not cute to have 500 piercings all over the place. Your guy isn't trying to date Marilyn Manson!

Some of the more feminist girly girls may say to me "Girly Girl, I will not do any of those things because I'm not gonna conform to images that a man expects me to live up to" (imagine this being said with a neck roll). My response to this is to think of your fellow women then! I know that I for certain don't want to see a messy lady wandering the mean streets! It's just not easy on the eyes.

 So ladies, deal with the pain and SUCK IT UP so you can walk down the streets looking like a super model!

How to Develop a Crush

It's happens to all of us once or twice, we see a guy and immediately fall in lust with him. Every time you see him you get butterflies in your stomach and get a warm fuzzy feeling. The emotions you are experiencing are referred to as a "crush". It will slam you in the back of your head with full force before you even realize what happened to you! People may think that having a crush is easy but in fact it is hard work, below please find steps to activate your crush.

1.) Meet the attractive object of your affection.

2.) Have a conversation with him that last at most five minutes.

In this five minute conversation you must believe that you have learned everything about him that there is to know. You must think that you are really in tuned with him and truly understand his beliefs and struggles in life.

3.) Daydream about him all day and make up amazing scenarios in your head of the two of you spending time together.

ex: Holding hands strolling the beach on a warm summer day
ex: Running through a field of flowers together
ex: Sipping wine while you two gallivant through a vineyard.

*It is very important that in your daydreams you create a very clear image of how great and magical this guy is. Maybe he rescues puppies on the weekends for fun or reads to the elderly to boost their morale.

4.) After months of being in your fake relationship, run into him again and watch him prove to you that he is nothing like what you dreamed of.

Once he has affirmed that he has absolutely no interest in you, your crush has become fully activated. After all, there is nothing more romantic than unrequited love!

How to Work Yourself Up Into a Complete Frenzy

If you are anything like me, you have had your bouts with hypochondria and often believe the world could be caving in on you at any moment. The slightest dilemma can wreak complete havoc on your world and shake the very foundation of your belief system. You exert tons of energy into your emotional meltdown and damn near lose your mind only to discover that nothing was ever wrong in the first place.

Then you feel ridiculous for getting so worked up to begin with until your next round of paranoia sinks in and you repeat the process all over again! If you are as neurotic as I am, I recommend that you stay as far away from Web MD as possible! In the last couple of days I have had several stints with paranoia and have listed some of my struggles for your personal knowledge.

1.) Soreness from running = I HAVE DISLOCATED MY HIP!!!!!

2.) Sunspot on my back = I HAVE SKIN CANCER!!!!!

3.) I'm still hungry even though I just ate = I HAVE DIABETES!!!!!!!!!!!

4.) Watching a Scary movie = A PSYCHO SERIAL KILLER IS GOING TO POP OUT OF MY CLOSET AT ANY MOMENT!!!!!

 5.) Earthquake = THE DEVIL IS COMING FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!

As someone who once went to the doctors 3 times in one month only to find out that I was perfectly healthy, I can assure you that 9 out of 10 times nothing is wrong with you! So chill out, stop over thinking things and just live your life like a normal person! This is probably advice I should take myself :) And now I'm paranoid that you are judging me for being such a psycho! :)

How to Allocate Break Up Jurisdictions

The ending of a relationship is always tragic but in the midst of this we must remember that there are important business elements that must be discussed. Jurisdiction of areas must be allotted to each party so that you avoid the awkward run in and can go on with your life properly. It is only fair that both of you have territories that belong solely to you and your ex will never step foot in again. This is the only respectable way to end a relationship.

For further understanding of jurisdiction territories, please find a list of some territories I have acquired from my past relationships.

1.) Il Tramezzino Restaurant
2.) Abercrombie & Fitch
3.) Yogurt Park
4.) All Indian Food restaurants
5.) Los Angeles

This will allow the two of you to have an amicable break up. There are diar consequences to face for entering your partner's zone, consequences I have yet to see as I would never do such a risky thing. So play fair and stay out of your partner's territories!

How to Make Life Long Friends

Friends are a very essential part of life and we need  our close friends around us to keep us grounded. These people are the ones who will always be there for you when you have a problem and will give you full support. The question is, how do we find such great people to make our friends. Well it is actually quite easy.

The steps are as follows:

1.) Compliment your prospective friend on their appearance or an item of clothing.

2.) Find the attractive person that you want to make your friend and together pick a person to have a mutual hatred for.

3.) Talk shit about your chosen victim with your new friend every chance you get. Make fun of the person and create some inside jokes about them.

 *this is truly the most important step because making fun of another person is truly a bonding experience.


4.) Once the two of you have tired of your victim, pick someone else and to mock repeat the process.

Some of you may say to me, "Girly Girl, it's so mean to talk about people behind their back. How can you do this?!" Well I say that a mutual dislike for another person is the foundation for all relationships. So get out there and go meet your best friends!

How to Be A Desperado

I often come across girls who are throwing themselves at guys and letting the guy know right off the bat how desperate they are for attention. A guy can smell that you wreak of desperation from a mile away and it's not cute.

These signs will let your object of interest know how desperate you are.

1.) Call him after you have already texted him.

Girls often start making up crazy scenarios for why he may have not received the text. Let me solve the mystery for you: HE SAW THE TEXT AND JUST DIDN'T WANT TO REPLY TO YOU. So please save yourself the embarrassment and don't call him after he has already ignored you once. Have some dignity here!

2.) Make the first move

A quintessential rule for any girly girl is to NEVER be the one to make a first move on a guy. You will come off as pushy and aggressive (not cute). If he wants to kiss you, he will kiss you. This isn't rocket science here!

3.) Cry in front of him

It seems that some girls like to use their tears as a weapon to make the guy feel guilty. This often causes the guy to believe that you are emotionally unstable and the relationship is moving too fast.. So stop being emo and buck up. Save your tears for the privacy of your bedroom!

 

So keep this in mind and let's let the guys do the chasing instead!

How to Judge a Guy On First Impressions

Us Girly Girls can often waste a lot of valuable time on one guy before we realize that we are in fact repulsed by the person and never actually wanted to date them. You could have figured this out long before you even spoke a word to him if you had judged him properly when you first saw him. These signs should indicate to you that he is super insecure and you should keep on moving and never look back.

1.) He has a weak hand shake.

A limp handshake should indicate to you that this guy has low self esteem. You will also later discover that other parts of his game will also be weak. Gross!

 2.) He is driving an overly flashy car.

There is nothing wrong with having a nice car, but if he has a Ferrari that is bright yellow, orange or red, be aware that he is severely insecure and trying to overcompensate for something else. And I don't wanna be there to find out what exactly he is trying to make up for.

It's a tough world out there, so watch out for the losers and strive for the cream of the crop!

How to Use Your Birthday as a Weapon

Your birthday is the only day out of all 365 days of the year that you are allowed to act like a complete douchebag and get away with it without any repercussions. You can throw a full out tantrum and your friends can't say anything to you because it's your birthday! So I say you should abuse your position of power and take full advantage of this situation.

Below find details on how to be completely obnoxious on your birthday:


1.) Pick a location for your birthday evening that your friends would never go with you otherwise.

2.) Make outrageous demands on what people must do to attend your party.

Ex: You must only wear the colors black and red to my party.

3.) Guilt people into feeling like they are the worst person ever if they deviate in the slightest from your birthday plan.

Ex: I cannot believe you would show up five minutes late to my party! Do you just not care at all about my life on my day of birth?!

And there you have it! Now go take advantage of all you can get away with on this most special of days!

How to Blackout

In order to be a proper party girl, one must acquire the skill of blacking out while partying. You must not remember any details of the previous evening except for what you were wearing.

Below please find the steps you must take for this black out to occur.


1.) Do not eat during the day that you plan on drinking

If your stomach is empty the liquor will absorb into your system much faster and get you wasted ASAP. Another benefit of having an empty stomach is that it will take less alcohol to get you drunk and you won't be taking in as many empty calories. :)

2.) Play "catch up" with your friends

If you arrive at a location and your friends have already been drinking, it is natural that you will want to get on the same level as them and drink a lot in a shorter amount of time.

WARNING: When playing catch up, you will somehow always end up not only at the same level of drunkenness as your friends, but surpass them by a long shot.

 3.) Only take shots.

Mixed drinks are for sissies. Plus, cheersing with your friends before the shot always boosts the comradery of the group.

 4.) Wake up the following morning in an unknown location with absolutely no recollection of the previous night's events.

It will make for fun times, piecing the whole night back together again.

These steps will provide you with an amazing evening.

Side note: If you wake up the next morning feeling disgusting, please refer to my post titled "How to Cure a Hangover" and you will be good as new and ready to do it all over again the next night!

How to Make Everyone Aware of Your Insecurities

 

Everyone has traits about them that they wish they could changed, the trick is to not make everyone else aware of your self loathing state. It is better to keep these thoughts to yourself instead of broadcasting them to the entire world. These signals will alert you that someone should be walking around with a sign on their forehead that says I HAVE ISSUES!

Signal 1

They say the words "my boyfriend" in every other sentence.

We get it! You want everyone to know that someone actually consented to be in a relationship with you. Someone actually likes you. If they are actually comfortable with their relationship they will call the person by their actual name.

Signal 2

They constantly put themselves down when they know that they don't actually believe it.

Ex: "I look so fat in this outfit!"

They are not saying this because they actually believe they are fat. They are saying this because they want you to respond  "No way, you look even skinnier than usual tonight!"

And as a good friend should, you will lie and actually say this sentence. :)

The point is, everyone has insecurities but we need to rock them and make it seem like it's the fashionable thing to do.